


A Pynch Of Inner Turmoil

by Merchant



Series: Raven Revisited [3]
Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Angst, Gen, M/M, No more pre-series things, Reference to Pynch, So much angst though, The Raven Boys-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-03
Updated: 2015-07-03
Packaged: 2018-04-07 10:50:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4260480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merchant/pseuds/Merchant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ronan Lynch was known as the snake, the intimidating one, the acidic-tongued boy that was hard to get along with. But what <i>really</i> goes on in his head?</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Pynch Of Inner Turmoil

**Author's Note:**

> Now that I've gotten the first two out of the way, here's my third writing out of six. This one happens to be my second favorite, and not just because it's a Ronan POV writing. Now that I have both pre-series writings uploaded, I can now show off a lot more of my creative side to everyone reading this. I had to up the rating because, well, it's a Ronan Lynch writing. This writing takes place during The Raven Boys, with brief mentions of events from Dream Thieves.
> 
> As always, this was originally posted on my [Tumblr](http://uaa-merchant.tumblr.com). I'm open for any writing requests, if you have any. Hope you enjoy reading!
> 
> **The Raven Cycle, and it's characters, are the sole property of Maggie Stiefvater. I am the sole owner of this writing.**

The dead body of Niall Lynch plagued Ronan’s thoughts to this day, and invaded his nightmares every night. That was the day everything changed, the day Niall was murdered, that was the day the Lynch brothers’ relationship went from solid to poisonous, at least between Declan and Ronan.

Ronan was affected the most, for many reasons. All of these reasons led to one simple fact. Ronan Lynch no longer knew how it felt to love someone, that died with his father, and was buried after his mother fell into a deep slumber. Sure, he cared a lot about Matthew, but that was more about protection of a family member, something he'd never lose no matter what. He was so _safe_ within his family, back before he began to realize what his father actually was. Nowadays, there was just no point in caring about anyone.

Gansey noticed the change in Ronan right away, and things just went downhill from there. When Ronan returned to Aglionby, shortly after his father's funeral, sporting a shaved head, and having spent close to a grand on a tattoo, Gansey knew his best friend was broken, and could possibly never recover. Along with the physical changes, came a highly venomous attitude. When Ronan suddenly stopped coming to Aglionby, Gansey immediately went to retrieve whatever of Ronan’s things he could get from the Barns, along with Ronan himself. That was the day Monmouth gained another resident, which made Gansey feel relieved for two reasons. He was no longer alone in the building, and he could keep an eye on his best friend, and hopefully keep him in line.

Ronan stopped coming to classes, though, no matter how many times Gansey begged him to go. His father’s death had destroyed everything, and everyone, Ronan ever cared about. He no longer felt he needed to be at Aglionby, especially after Ronan discovered that he could dream things into reality, like his father could before him. No one else but him knew that, though. Ronan Lynch kept many secrets, and this one, he wasn't ready to share at that point in time.

Things began to change, somewhat, the day that Adam Parrish came to Aglionby. It was just another boring day to Ronan, however. Ronan paid Adam no mind, same as everything and everyone else. Then one day, Gansey brought the kid to Monmouth, to _their_ home, where Ronan and Gansey wouldn't have to deal with anyone else. _The fuck is Gansey doing, bringing the poor kid over here? He really has a hard on for charity. He needs to control himself._

As the days passed, Ronan quickly discovered that he was wrong about everything, he was so very, _very_ wrong. He knew his existence shouldn’t matter anymore, everyone was either afraid of him, or just wary of him. Anger and rage had become his new friend, it was what he relied on to hide his secrets from everyone else, to hide _himself_ from everyone else. So, he wondered to himself, how he had suddenly become interested in the Parrish boy after a while, after Gansey decided to _continuously_ bring him to Monmouth, after Ronan was sure he’d pushed the boy far away from him by constantly slinging sarcastic insults at him?

It had given him a kind of twisted pleasure, watching Parrish squirm at his venomous reminders about how poor he was. He enjoyed arguing with him, he enjoyed seeing the anger build up on Adam's face. _That’s it Parrish, get pissed at me. Tell me you hate me, threaten to kill me, I deserve all of it. Keep reminding me that I'm a shithead, that I don't deserve anything good._

Even with all of that, Adam kept coming back to Monmouth, and this really made Ronan both angry, and increasingly frustrated for reasons he didn't quite understand at the time. _You stupid, fucking piece of shit, what do I have to do to make you go the fuck away already? At least punch me or something, Parrish, so I have a reason to knock your ass out. I know that will get you to leave me the fuck alone._

Weeks like this continued, but Parrish wasn’t budging, he wasn't giving in to Ronan's antics. Ronan Lynch had finally met his match, he had to admit that now. So, he stopped trying to get Adam to stay away from Monmouth, from him in particular. Now that he was loosening up a bit, while still remaining acidic, and guarded, he was finding out just how much he liked having Adam around. He had gotten so used to Adam coming to Monmouth, that he'd almost involuntarily asked Gansey why Adam wasn't with him a few times. Good thing he caught himself before asking, since that was _dangerous_ territory, it was an area where he did not feel like answering the questions Gansey would throw at him, he didn't want Gansey saying _anything_ about Adam. 

The days when Adam was hanging out at Monmouth, Ronan found himself opening up somewhat to Adam, finding he shared common interests and ideas with Adam, by hanging out with him. To distract himself from thoughts, and _feelings_ , that he was no longer used to, Ronan began dragging Adam into doing dangerous things with him, thinking that Adam would associate Ronan with the scrapes and bruises he would receive from their activities, and Adam would finally stay the hell away from Monmouth, but alas, Adam still showed up, and still went along with Ronan on whatever crazy thing the taller boy wanted to try out. 

Nowadays, Ronan found himself with an empty sort of feeling, when Adam wasn't around. He did his best to push _those_ thoughts out of his head, though. 

Ronan remembered the first time he saw Adam come to Monmouth with bruises and cuts on his face, and he was curious about it. _Someone beat me to it, I'd like to know who did, so I can congratulate them,_ he had thought. Didn’t Parrish know how to fight, or was he just _that_ weak? 

“My father does this to me whenever I bring up anything regarding Aglionby, including you guys it seems,” Adam finally admitted after weeks of showing up with bruises and cuts on his face and arms, at least those were two areas that could be seen, and there was probably more elsewhere that couldn't be seen. Hearing this fact, Ronan was filled with rage against Adam's father, for hurting Adam like that. 

Ronan regretted ever thinking about Adam getting his ass kicked after that, but he wouldn't admit it. After Adam left that night with Gansey, Ronan couldn't hold back his anger and rage, thinking about his own father, about how great of a life he had, and how someone could hurt their own child for no reason. Ronan threw a lot of things around Monmouth as he tried to gather his thoughts, but he couldn’t get rid of his rage. 

Thus, the routine of Gansey and Ronan covering for him at school began after that, to avoid any invasive questions about Adam's injuries. 

Even so, Gansey would repeatedly offer Adam a safe place at Monmouth, away from the abuse, but Adam kept declining. Ronan secretly wanted to convince Adam to move in just as much as Gansey did, but that would be _very_ unlike him, and the others would notice and question it. _Don't think about it, don't think about it._ His mind betrayed him one day, and after seeing more injuries, and hearing Adam refuse Gansey's offer once more, Ronan was livid, and his thoughts screamed at him. _Just fucking move in here already, Parrish! No father should hurt his kids like that, and I can see that you’ve been crying, so don't act like this isn't affecting you. I don’t want to beg, please don’t make me beg you to move in, Parrish. I don't want to see you hurt anymore._

Ronan started having nightmares about Adam then, would see things that scared him, stabbed him in the chest, made him feel things he thought he'd never feel again. He fought so hard to keep these nightmares from manifesting into reality, knowing what would happen if they did, and he succeeded every time. He didn’t sleep much anymore anyways, because he knew what he'd end up seeing in his dreams.

_I’m in love with Adam Parrish._

There was no use denying it anymore, no matter how many times he tried to push the thought away, tried to tell himself that it was _very, very wrong_. He thought he couldn’t feel love for anyone ever again, but he also couldn’t lie to himself. His mind, and his body, knew what it really wanted. What it wanted left Ronan with _hunger_ , a type he couldn't fully grasp, or didn't want to think about.

_I’m in love with Adam Parrish._ Ronan Lynch started drinking a lot more, after having a number of dreams that he would never dare to tell anyone about. At least, if he was drunk and did dream, he could blame everything on the booze. 

As they sat in the booth at Nino’s that fateful day, Ronan over-hearing Adam talk about one of the waitresses he had noticed when they arrived, and how he wished he could talk to her, Ronan felt a new emotion creeping into his being. _Jealousy_. Of course Adam wasn’t interested in him like that, of course he wouldn't be, he was _Ronan Lynch_ after all. Still, Ronan had automatically decided that he hated that waitress Adam was talking about, and was relieved when Gansey had pissed her off by treating her like a prostitute. 

Blue Sargent, as he found out was her name, became the subject most spoken about during the days at Monmouth after that night, and during Adam's time spent alone with Ronan. Ronan _hated_ hearing about her, his jealousy threatening to creep to the surface, and spill out. He made sure to keep himself acting indifferent as Adam spoke about her, but he soon learned that it wasn’t _hate_ that he was feeling, but _envy_. 

Ronan decided then, that he would just stop thinking about Adam from that point on. There was no point in doing so, when Adam was expressing his strong urges to end up with Blue aloud every time they were in the same room together. _I’m in love with Adam Parrish._ Ronan wished his mind would shut off, and he did his best to focus on anything else while Adam spoke so strongly of Blue Sargent. Ronan just wanted to stop feeling like he was being stabbed in the chest every time Adam mentioned Blue.

One of the days Blue had come to visit, Ronan stood off in the shadows as he approached the same room the other two were in. He listened to Adam and Blue talk, watched how Adam smiled at her. That sight made Ronan regret ever coming out of his room. Ronan wanted Adam to smile at _him_ , at being around _him_. It would never be like that though, not while Ronan was still around, that was what he believed. Ronan did his best to be as civil with Blue as he could be from then on, figuring there was no use getting envious or jealous any longer, so he would try to support them both, while fighting the little voices in his head that were telling him he should be doing the opposite.

After they had found Cabeswater, Ronan received a huge reminder of what he really was. Chainsaw, and every little thing he had pulled from his dreams, were _nothing_ compared to what Cabeswater would tell him. He would never live a normal life, not after hearing and seeing what he had done, what he was _going_ to do at some point.

When Blue admitted to going off with Gansey alone that one day, Ronan was surprised to hear of it. He was enjoying spending time alone with Adam, savoring every chance he got to do so, but hearing this confession made him feel a lot more hopeful than he would've thought it would. He would never tell Adam about that, though, not after the way Adam reacted.

That fateful night, when Adam had hesitated to go into his house, to face his parents, his father, Ronan wanted to just drive away with Adam still in the car, not caring if Adam got pissed at him. He had told Adam he didn’t have to go, then he chastised himself for saying such _obvious_ things that would lead to _obvious_ accusations. Then Adam got out of the BMW, and he walked away, towards his house. Ronan saw the shadows in the windows of the double wide, as he slowly began pulling away from it. He had a sick, uneasy feeling in his stomach, as if he knew what was about to happen, but he just kept staring into the rear view mirror as he inched the BMW slowly forward. 

Ronan saw the punch Adam's father threw, and saw Adam stagger as the punch connected. He immediately hit the brakes, involuntarily, feeling the blow as if it was him on the receiving end of it. He sat there, and just watched, his heart beating quicker in his chest, the rage building. He was frozen, helpless, his instincts screaming at him to get out and help. _Adam’s getting hurt really badly, so why the fuck am I just sitting here?! Help him, Lynch. You’re in love with the runt, yet you’re letting him get killed out there!_

Suddenly, Adam hit the railing on the front porch, and Ronan saw the blood on his face as he looked up, and something finally snapped within him. Ronan barely remembered parking the BMW. He let himself unconsciously open the driver side door, slam it behind him, and stomp over towards Robert Parrish. He was all rage, and nothing else. “What the hell do you want?” “To do this”.

Ronan lost himself in a trance as he fought with Robert Parrish. All he cared about, all he wanted then, was to make him suffer as he made Adam suffer. Ronan had long gotten used to the aches and pains of fist fighting, so he just let himself stay in attack mode, like a threatened feral animal. Even when the police arrived, and officers pulled him off, he was still like a threatened snake striking out against it's prey. “Have you been drinking?”, he heard an officer say from behind, in Adam’s direction, as Ronan was dragged away. “That fucking motherfucker shitbag asshole cocksucking bastard beat the shit out of him!!,” he heard himself yell out.

Reality finally hit him, as he was pushed against the police car, his hands behind his back, being cuffed. This was a familiar feeling, one Ronan knew too well. “I can do it myself,” he said as he was pushed towards the now open car door. He felt a hand on his head, pushing him down. “I said I got it!”.

Ronan Lynch sat in the police car, and couldn’t help but smirk at the situation. _Gansey’s not here to save my ass, so I’m finally going to jail. I’ll finally be someplace I actually belong, away from people, in isolation._ Five minutes later, Ronan was being pulled out of the police car, and un-handcuffed. He watched as the ambulance arrived, loaded Adam in, and sped away. Ronan retreated to his BMW, and immediately sped after the ambulance, following it to the hospital, blaring a song on the radio to keep himself focused.

At the hospital, Ronan hung around in the hallway as Adam was cleaned up, and his wounds dressed and bandaged. He stared at Adam’s beaten body through the open door, and something about hearing loss drifted through his ears from nearby doctors. Ronan turned and started to leave, when he heard “Thanks, Lynch” from inside the room, which almost made him turn back, and it stopped him in his tracks for a few seconds, but instead of turning back, instead of replying, he got out of the hospital as quick as he could. _I was too late. I couldn't stop him before it got this bad. This is my fault, this is all my fault._

After Adam was released from the hospital, and Gansey left the beaten Adam in Ronan's care after returning to Monmouth, Ronan found himself at the double wide with Adam again. As he helped Adam pack his things up, and load them into the car, he would glare at Adam’s mother whenever he passed by her, and was tempted to flip her off and/or shout something icy at her as he drove Adam away from that place, but the look in Adam’s eyes told him not to. It was difficult to look Adam in the face, knowing he could've helped prevent Adam from getting as hurt as he was.

When Adam took over Noah’s room at Monmouth for himself, Ronan felt a kind of joy at having Adam nearby once again. He finally managed to sleep a little better after that. _This is enough. Just let me have this._

Then he was awoken from this better sleep, and found himself back at Cabeswater again. The trees screamed for him, _needing_ him, but he ignored them. Adam was in danger, and Ronan didn’t want to hesitate. What he got in return, was an assault with a handgun to his head, which knocked him for a loop. Fear filled his every being among the dizziness from the blow to his head, because he just _couldn’t_ watch Adam die, not here, not now, not in reality when he had watched Adam die in so many of his nightmares. He had failed to protect another person he truly loved, and he let himself lament over this fact, but then Adam awoke the ley lines shortly afterwards, causing a chain reaction of events to unfold.

As they walked away from Cabeswater, leaving Whelk’s body behind so they wouldn't have to deal with police questioning, Ronan immediately noticed a change in Adam because of his sacrifice to Cabeswater. He was no longer the Adam he had first met, had gotten to know so well, but at the same time, he _still was the same Adam_. When Adam announced that he just couldn’t stay at Monmouth, because he didn't really belong there, Ronan was filled with loneliness, but he knew what had to be done. He had heard about a room at St. Agnes, that was for rent, while attending a service some Sunday ago. Ronan figured he’d be able to see Adam still, and visit whenever the other wanted him around, so he didn't protest Adam's decision. Especially because Adam didn’t hesitate to accept Ronan’s offer, and Ronan was all too glad to move Adam into that room, where he could have a space _just for the two of them to share._

_I’m in love with Adam Parrish, but Adam Parrish isn’t in love with me. Adam might not ever feel the way I do, but I really wish he did, so that I'd know that I mattered to someone at least. That I was able to keep someone around, who wouldn't leave me. You will forever be my second secret, Parrish. A secret that I really wish I could tell you, if I didn't hate myself for feeling like this._


End file.
